I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
