I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
