Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
