...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
