I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
