i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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