Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
