Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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