Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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