Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize