Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
