Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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