Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
