You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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