I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
