Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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