Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
