So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I didn't notice because vodka
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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