East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
