I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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