I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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