Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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