My sheets look like a crime scene.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
