I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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