Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
