the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
