Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
