I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
