I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
