I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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