The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I pour the whiskey from now on
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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