If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
