i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
