He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
