i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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