They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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