Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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