just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
its liver damage thursday
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