My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There's always time for handjobs
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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