DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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