I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize
