i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
