I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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