I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
