id be glad to
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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