I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
