i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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