dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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