i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
