I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
