just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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