Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize