the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
