I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
