Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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