You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
