i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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