just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize