my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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