He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
