I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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