I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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