I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
